Many people grow up hearing that everyone wants sex, that it is a natural and central part of adult life, and that something must be wrong with you if you do not feel this way. For asexual people, this message can be confusing and painful. For some, discovering the word asexual is the moment they realise there is nothing broken about them.
This article explains what asexuality is, how it can feel, what research says about asexual people’s well-being, and what helps in relationships, health care and therapy.
What asexuality means
Asexuality describes a sexual orientation in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction to others. Many people describe a whole ace spectrum, which includes people who experience an absence of sexual attraction, those who feel it rarely or only in certain situations, and those who feel it only after a strong emotional bond (Nimbi et al., 2024). Common terms include:
- Asexual: little or no sexual attraction to anyone.
- Gray-asexual: sexual attraction that is rare, weak or depends on circumstances.
- Demisexual: sexual attraction that appears only after a close emotional connection.
Sexual attraction is different from sexual desire, arousal or behaviour. Some asexual people have a libido, masturbate or have sex, for example with a partner they love. Others do not want sex at all, and some find the idea unpleasant. Asexuality is about attraction, and on its own it says little about what a person does.
In a study with more than 1,000 people on the ace spectrum in Italy, asexual participants reported lower sexual desire and fewer erotic fantasies than demisexual, gray-asexual and questioning participants, while demisexual people reported more romantic fantasies. The authors stressed how diverse experiences within the ace spectrum are (Nimbi et al., 2024).
Romance is a separate question
Sexual and romantic attraction do not always go together. Many asexual people fall in love, want a partner and build committed relationships. Others are aromantic, which means they experience little or no romantic attraction. In an international survey with more than 1,600 aromantic people, many described the identity as freeing and as a way to understand themselves and find community, while also facing stigma and misunderstanding (Fowler et al., 2024).
Asexual people’s relationships take many forms: romantic partnerships with little or no sex, relationships with a sexual partner where both negotiate what works, queerplatonic relationships that are deeply committed without being romantic in the usual sense, close friendships, or a life without a partner. More on how couples handle different levels of desire in When sex declines in a relationship.
Common misunderstandings
- “It is just a phase” or “you have not met the right person.” For many people, asexuality is a stable orientation that has nothing to do with how much experience they have.
- “It is a hormone problem or a trauma reaction.” Asexuality is not an illness. Some people have low desire because of a medical or psychological problem and are distressed by it. That is a different situation, and it deserves care. Asexuality itself does not need to be treated.
- “Asexual people cannot love.” Many asexual people love deeply, romantically or otherwise.
- “Asexual people never have sex.” Some do, for many reasons.
Asexuality and mental health
Like other sexual minorities, asexual people can experience minority stress: invisibility, disbelief, pressure to have sex, and the feeling that they must explain themselves. In a large online survey in Germany during the COVID-19 lockdowns, the 445 participants who identified as asexual reported more depressive symptoms than other participants, and the authors called for specific psychosocial support (Lech et al., 2024). This does not mean that asexuality causes depression. It points to the strain of living in a world that often does not recognise asexuality.
Coming out as asexual
Coming out as asexual can bring its own challenges. Because asexuality is less known than other orientations, people may first need to explain what it is, and may meet disbelief or well-meant advice to “see a doctor”. Family members sometimes worry about grandchildren or assume that a partner will “change things”. It can help to start with people who are likely to listen, to have a few simple words ready (“I don’t experience sexual attraction, and I’m fine with that”), and to remember that you do not owe anyone details about your sex life. Many ace people find that online and local ace communities make this easier.
In health care
Many asexual people report misunderstandings with doctors, for example being pushed to explain why they are not sexually active, or being offered treatment they did not ask for. In a pilot survey of asexual adults, those who disclosed their asexuality only sometimes reported more misunderstanding and stigma in health care than those who never disclosed, and the authors recommended non-presumptive sexual history taking and an option to record asexuality on forms (Choi et al., 2026).
In therapy
Good therapy does not try to “fix” asexuality. In interviews with asexual clients in China, participants described how important it was that counsellors showed cultural humility and an affirming attitude, and the researchers called for de-pathologising asexuality in mental health settings (Lu et al., 2025). Therapy can be a place to explore identity, deal with pressure from family or partners, negotiate relationships, or simply talk about other parts of life without the topic of sex taking over. More about identity and self-acceptance in Sexual identity and self-acceptance.
If you are wondering whether you might be asexual
There is no test, and no need to decide quickly. It can help to notice what you actually feel, rather than what you think you should feel, and to read about the experiences of other ace people. Labels are tools. Use one if it helps you, change it if it stops fitting, or use none at all.
If you are in crisis or having thoughts of ending your life, please call your local emergency number (for example 112 in Europe or 911 in North America and Mexico), or find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.
More about therapy with me.
References
- Choi, K. A., Aschenbrenner, R., & Fitzek, S. (2026). Asexuality disclosure in healthcare: Attachment and patient-reported experiences in a cross-sectional pilot survey. Health Science Reports, 9(3), e72094. https://doi.org/10.1002/hsr2.72094
- Fowler, J. A., Mendis, M., Crook, A., Chavez-Baldini, U., Baca, T., & Dean, J. A. (2024). Exploring aromanticism through an online qualitative investigation with the aromantic community: “Freeing, alienating, and utterly fantastic”. International Journal of Sexual Health, 36(1), 126–143. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2024.2311158
- Lech, S., Köppe, M., Berger, M., Alonso-Perez, E., Gellert, P., Herrmann, W., & Buspavanich, P. (2024). Depressive symptoms among individuals identifying as asexual: a cross-sectional study. Scientific Reports, 14(1), 16120. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-66900-6
- Lu, R., & Chui, H. (2025). Counseling aces: Experiences of asexual clients in china. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 54(6), 2213–2231. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-025-03148-9
- Nimbi, F. M., Appia, C., Tanzilli, A., Giovanardi, G., & Lingiardi, V. (2024). Deepening sexual desire and erotic fantasies research in the ACE spectrum: Comparing the experiences of asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, and questioning people. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53(3), 1031–1045. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02784-3
This article is exploratory and meant for information and reflection. It cannot capture the full complexity of any individual situation, and your own experience may be different. It does not replace a diagnosis or treatment.
