In the beginning, many couples can hardly keep their hands off each other. Years later, sex may happen less often, feel more routine, or almost disappear. For some couples this is a source of pain and conflict. For others it is simply part of how their relationship has changed, and they are fine with it.
This article looks at why sex often changes over the course of a relationship, when a decline is a problem and when it is not, and how different kinds of relationships deal with it.
Change is common
Sexual desire is not a fixed amount. It moves with stress, health, age, hormones, children, work, conflict and the overall mood of a relationship. Even from day to day, desire rises and falls. A study that followed 133 couples every day for a month found that desire rose and fell in regular cycles, often in step between partners, and the authors concluded that occasional mismatches in desire are a normal part of romantic relationships (Vowels et al., 2018).
Over the long term, many people report less sex as they get older. Interestingly, the picture is more complex than simple decline. In a large US study that followed people over almost twenty years, sexual quality of life tended to fall with age, but once the researchers took into account how often people had sex and how much they invested in it, older age was actually linked to a better sexual quality of life. For older adults, the quality of sex mattered more than how often it happened (Forbes et al., 2017).
When less sex is a problem, and when it is not
A decline in sex is a problem mainly when it causes distress for one or both partners. Signs that it may be worth paying attention to include:
- one partner feels rejected, lonely or unwanted
- sex has become a source of pressure, guilt or arguments
- the decline is linked to pain, a health problem or a medication
- it is part of a wider distance or unresolved conflict
On the other hand, many couples have little or no sex and are content, because closeness, tenderness, humour and shared life matter more to them. Some partners are asexual, or discover over time that sex is simply not important to them. In these relationships, less sex is not a sign that something is missing. More on this in Asexuality and What makes a relationship work.
Different levels of desire
One of the most common situations is a desire discrepancy: one partner wants sex more often than the other. This can happen in any relationship, and it does not mean that either partner is wrong. In a study with 229 people in long-term relationships, partners used many strategies to deal with desire discrepancies, such as talking about it, finding other forms of intimacy, masturbation or compromise. Strategies that involved the couple together tended to go along with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than individual strategies, and people who found their strategies helpful were more satisfied overall (Vowels & Mark, 2020).
How different relationships handle it
Monogamous couples
In monogamous relationships, partners usually expect to meet their sexual needs with each other. This can make a decline feel more urgent, because there is no other outlet. Helpful steps often include talking openly without blame, exploring what has changed, broadening the definition of intimacy, and getting medical or therapeutic support when needed.
Open and polyamorous relationships
In consensually non-monogamous relationships, needs can be met with more than one person. This can take pressure off a relationship in which sex has become less frequent, while emotional closeness remains. In a large Norwegian survey, people with experience of consensual non-monogamy reported more relationship intimacy and more positive attitudes towards sexuality than others (Træen & Thuen, 2022). This depends a lot on how agreements are made and maintained. Research on how people maintain several relationships identified practices such as open communication about jealousy and attraction to others, sexual health care, and a thoughtful sharing of time and resources between partners, and found that each practice was linked in its own way to relationship and sexual satisfaction (Mogilski et al., 2026). More on this in Opening a relationship and What is polyamory?.
Asexual and mixed relationships
When one or both partners are asexual, sex may never have been the centre of the relationship. Couples where one partner is asexual and the other is not can find many solutions: agreeing on how often and in what ways to be sexual, focusing on other forms of touch, or opening the relationship for sexual contact with others. What matters is that both partners can say what they need and what they do not want, without pressure.
What can help
Whatever kind of relationship you have, a helpful question to ask together is: “What kind of closeness do we each want, and how can we make room for both?”
- Talk about it outside the bedroom. A calm conversation over a walk or coffee is easier than one in a moment of rejection.
- Get curious instead of blaming. What has changed? Stress, health, resentment, routine, a new phase of life?
- Widen what counts as intimacy. Touch, play, tenderness and shared pleasure without the goal of intercourse can bring closeness back.
- Check the body. Pain, hormonal changes, illness and medication can all affect desire, and a doctor can help.
- Look at the relationship as a whole. Unresolved conflict often shows up in the bedroom first.
A conversation starter
“I have noticed we have been less close physically. I am not blaming either of us, I would just like to understand how it is for you, and tell you how it is for me.” Starting from curiosity makes it easier for both of you to be honest.
When to get support
If the topic keeps leading to hurt or arguments, or if one of you feels very unhappy, couples therapy or sex therapy can help you find a way that fits both of you, whatever kind of relationship you have.
More about therapy with me.
References
- Forbes, M. K., Eaton, N. R., & Krueger, R. F. (2017). Sexual quality of life and aging: A prospective study of a nationally representative sample. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 137–148. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1233315
- Mogilski, J. K., Miller, G. F., Jonason, P. K., Grunt-Mejer, K., Varella Valentova, J., Balzarini, R., Rodrigues, D. L., Sheff, E., Al-Shawaf, L., Csajbók, Z., Thomas, A. G., David-Barrett, T., Giosan, C., Kruger, D. J., Ley, D. J., Lehmiller, J. J., Schechinger, H. A., Moors, A. C., Ciaffoni, S., . . . Larva, M. A. (2026). How do people maintain consensual non-monogamy? An international development and validation of the multiple relationships maintenance scale. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 55(2), 517–545. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-025-03334-9
- Træen, B., & Thuen, F. (2022). Non-consensual and consensual non-monogamy in norway. International Journal of Sexual Health, 34(1), 65–80. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2021.1947931
- Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 1017–1028. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01640-y
- Vowels, M. J., Mark, K. P., Vowels, L. M., & Wood, N. D. (2018). Using spectral and cross-spectral analysis to identify patterns and synchrony in couples’ sexual desire. Plos One, 13(10), e0205330. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0205330
This article is exploratory and meant for information and reflection. It cannot capture the full complexity of any individual situation, and your own experience may be different. It does not replace a diagnosis or treatment.
