Many couples tell me: “We just can’t communicate.” When we look closer, they usually communicate a lot. The trouble is that the conversations follow the same painful script every time. One person says something, the other reacts, and within two minutes they are having the argument they have had a hundred times before.
In this article I describe the most common communication patterns that hurt relationships, what research says about them, and what can help you step out of the script.
Why the same argument keeps coming back
Recurring arguments usually carry more than the topic on the surface, whether that is dishes, money or the phone at dinner. Underneath there are often bigger questions: Do you see me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? When these questions are not spoken, the surface topic carries all the emotion, and no practical solution seems to work.
Patterns that hurt
Demand and withdraw
This is the most studied pattern. One partner raises a problem, criticises or pushes for change, and the other avoids, defends, goes silent or leaves. Each reaction feeds the other. In a study of couples’ everyday conflicts at home, this pattern appeared with both partners in either role, especially when the topic was the relationship itself, and it was linked with more negative emotions and less resolution (Papp et al., 2009). Depression in one partner was also connected with this pattern.
It helps to know that both roles usually come from fear. The partner who pushes often fears being alone or unimportant. The partner who withdraws often fears conflict, failure or being overwhelmed.
Escalation
Voices get louder, words get sharper, old stories are brought up, and soon you are arguing about everything at once. Once both bodies are in alarm mode, the parts of the brain that help us listen and think clearly become less available. At that point, continuing the argument rarely leads anywhere.
Criticism and contempt
Complaining about a behaviour (“You forgot to call”) is different from attacking the person (“You never think about anyone but yourself”). Contempt, through sarcasm, mockery or eye-rolling, goes a step further and communicates disrespect. Research following newlywed couples found that communication and satisfaction influence each other in both directions, although neither effect was very strong, which suggests that communication is one important piece among several (Lavner et al., 2016).
Silence and suppression
Some people avoid conflict entirely, swallowing anger or hurt to keep the peace. Cultures differ in how acceptable this is. In a study with adolescents in the United States, suppressing emotions was linked with more depressive symptoms among European American teens, while the link was weaker or absent among Vietnamese American teens (Tsai et al., 2017). In intercultural couples, one partner’s “keeping the peace” can look like coldness to the other.
Avoiding certain topics
Sex, money and family are common no-go areas. Avoiding them often works for a while, then backfires. Sexual communication is a good example: a meta-analysis found that the quality of couples’ conversations about sex was clearly linked with relationship and sexual satisfaction (Mallory, 2022).
Notice your role
Next time an argument starts, ask yourself: am I pushing or pulling away right now? Simply noticing the pattern is often the first step out of it.
What helps
Start softly
How a conversation begins often decides how it ends. Instead of “You never help”, try “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the house, can we talk about how we share things?” Speak about your experience and your need, rather than about the other person’s character.
Listen to understand
Before answering, try to summarise what your partner said: “So you felt alone when I stayed late at work again?” Ask if you got it right. It feels slow at first. It also tells your partner that you are really listening, which often lowers the temperature immediately.
Take a break before things escalate
If you notice your heart racing, your voice rising or your thoughts going blank, agree on a pause. Say clearly that you will come back to it: “I need twenty minutes, then I want to continue.” Use the break to calm your body, for example with slow breathing, instead of rehearsing your arguments.
Repair, often
Repair means small gestures that slow down a conflict or reconnect afterwards: a touch, a joke that is not mean, “I’m sorry, that came out wrong”, “Can we try again?” Couples who repair often still fight. What they share is that they keep coming back to each other.
Accept what cannot be changed
Some differences between partners will stay. Integrative behavioural couple therapy combines working on change with building acceptance of these differences. In a clinical trial, couples who received this therapy showed lasting changes in how they communicated, and constructive communication was more consistently linked with good outcomes than the absence of negative behaviour (Baucom et al., 2015).
Practise when things are calm
Communication skills are easier to learn when you are not in the middle of a fight.
Name the cycle together
When things are calm, sit down and describe your typical argument together, as if you were two researchers studying another couple. What usually starts it? What does each of you do next? How does it end? Giving the cycle a name, like “the chase” or “the storm”, makes it easier to notice it in the moment and say: “I think we’re in the chase again. Can we stop?”
When to get help
If arguments regularly end with one of you feeling afraid, humiliated or deeply hurt, if you have stopped talking about important things altogether, or if the same pattern keeps winning despite your best efforts, couples therapy can help. A therapist can show you the pattern from the outside and help you practise new ways of talking. For the bigger picture, see What makes a relationship work.
If there is violence or you feel afraid of your partner, please seek individual support first. Most countries have free helplines for people affected by violence in relationships, and you can find them at findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
More about therapy with me.
References
- Baucom, K. J., Baucom, B. R., & Christensen, A. (2015). Changes in dyadic communication during and after integrative and traditional behavioral couple therapy. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 65, 18–28. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.12.004
- Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication? Journal of Marriage and the Family, 78(3), 680–694. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12301
- Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples’ sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000946
- Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, E. M. (2009). Demand-withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 285–300. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01223.x
- Tsai, W., Nguyen, D. J., Weiss, B., Ngo, V., & Lau, A. S. (2017). Cultural differences in the reciprocal relations between emotion suppression coping, depressive symptoms and interpersonal functioning among adolescents. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 45(4), 657–669. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-016-0192-2
This article is exploratory and meant for information and reflection. It cannot capture the full complexity of any individual situation, and your own experience may be different. It does not replace a diagnosis or treatment.
