You can feel lonely in a full room, in a long relationship or in a city of millions. You can also be alone for days and feel fine. What matters most is whether you feel connected to the people around you.
This article looks at what loneliness is, why it is so common, how it is linked to low mood and depression, and what can help. If you have recently moved to another country, you may also find Loneliness after moving abroad useful.
What loneliness is
Loneliness is the painful feeling that your social relationships are not what you need them to be, in number or in closeness. Researchers often distinguish between emotional loneliness, which comes from missing a close and intimate bond, and social loneliness, which comes from missing a wider network of friends, colleagues or community. Studies that measure both find that they can be linked to different life circumstances, so they may also need different kinds of help (Beller et al., 2026). Someone with a loving partner can feel socially lonely after moving away from friends, and someone with a large circle can feel emotionally lonely without anyone close.
How common it is
Loneliness is far more common than many people think. A meta-analysis of data from 113 countries found that loneliness affects people at every stage of life, from adolescence to old age, and that levels differ a lot between regions of the world (Surkalim et al., 2022). Being lonely is not a personal failure. It is a widespread human experience, often linked to life changes such as moving, a breakup, a loss, illness, retirement or becoming a parent.
Why loneliness changes how we think
Humans are social beings, and for most of our history being cut off from the group was dangerous. Researchers suggest that loneliness works like a warning signal, similar to hunger or thirst, that pushes us to reconnect. At the same time, it puts the mind on alert. Lonely people tend to become more vigilant for social threats: they notice signs of rejection more quickly, expect more negative reactions and remember negative social information better (Cacioppo & Hawkley, 2009).
This can create a vicious circle. Feeling lonely makes you more cautious and sensitive to rejection, which can make you withdraw or seem distant, which leads to fewer good contacts, which deepens the loneliness. Understanding this circle can make it easier to be patient with yourself.
Loneliness and depression
Loneliness and depression often go together, and each can feed the other. In a study that followed more than 4,000 adults aged 50 and older in England for twelve years, loneliness was linked to later depressive symptoms, even after taking into account other factors such as social isolation and genetic risk. The researchers estimated that between 11% and 18% of cases of depression in this group might be prevented if loneliness were eliminated (Lee et al., 2021).
Depression can also make people withdraw, lose interest in contact and feel that they are a burden, which deepens loneliness. If you recognise both, it can help to work on both at the same time. More on depression in Depression: what it is, how it feels and what helps.
Loneliness at different ages
Loneliness can look different across life. Young adults often feel it during transitions, such as starting university, moving to a new city or a first job, when old networks fall away and new ones are not yet there. In midlife, long working hours, caring for children or parents, or a separation can leave little room for friendships. In older age, the loss of a partner, friends or mobility can make contact harder. Knowing that loneliness often follows such transitions can make it feel less like a personal flaw and more like something that can change again.
What can help
There is no single solution, and what helps depends on what kind of loneliness you feel. A systematic review of 22 studies on interventions for loneliness in the general population found that most of them reduced loneliness, and that they came in many forms: in groups or one-to-one, online or in person, short or long (Morrish et al., 2023).
Small, regular contact
Deep friendships usually grow from repeated, ordinary contact: the same class every week, the same colleagues at lunch, the neighbour you greet. Choosing one regular activity and going back to it can do more than one big social event.
Reach out, a little
Send a message to someone you have lost touch with. Ask a colleague for a coffee. Many people wait for others to make the first step. Often the other person is waiting too.
Notice the alarm
When you catch yourself expecting rejection (“they don’t really want me there”), remember that loneliness makes the mind more alert to threat. Ask yourself whether there is another possible explanation, and try acting as if the contact is welcome.
Look for belonging, not only for friends
Volunteering, a choir, a sports team, a political or religious community, or a group of people with a shared interest can offer a sense of belonging even before close friendships form.
Be kind to yourself
Loneliness often comes with shame, as if something must be wrong with you. It helps to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who feels lonely: with understanding, and without blame.
A small step for this week
Write down three people you would like to have more contact with, and one small action for each: a message, a call, an invitation. Choose one and do it within the next few days.
When to look for support
If loneliness has lasted a long time, if it comes with low mood, hopelessness or thoughts that you would be better off gone, or if social contact feels very frightening, therapy can help. It can be a place to understand what keeps you stuck and to practise connection in a safe setting.
If you are in crisis or having thoughts of ending your life, please call your local emergency number (for example 112 in Europe or 911 in North America and Mexico), or find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.
More about therapy with me.
References
- Beller, J., Graßhoff, J., & Sperlich, S. (2026). Functional limitations and loneliness in middle-aged and older adults: differentiating emotional loneliness and social loneliness. BMC Public Health, 26(1), 1758. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-026-27997-8
- Cacioppo, J. T., & Hawkley, L. C. (2009). Perceived social isolation and cognition. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 13(10), 447–454. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2009.06.005
- Lee, S. L., Pearce, E., Ajnakina, O., Johnson, S., Lewis, G., Mann, F., Pitman, A., Solmi, F., Sommerlad, A., Steptoe, A., Tymoszuk, U., & Lewis, G. (2021). The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: a 12-year population-based cohort study. The Lancet. Psychiatry, 8(1), 48–57. https://doi.org/10.1016/s2215-0366(20)30383-7
- Morrish, N., Choudhury, S., & Medina-Lara, A. (2023). What works in interventions targeting loneliness: a systematic review of intervention characteristics. BMC Public Health, 23(1), 2214. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-023-17097-2
- Surkalim, D. L., Luo, M., Eres, R., Gebel, K., van Buskirk, J., Bauman, A., & Ding, D. (2022). The prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries: systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ, 376, e067068. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj-2021-067068
This article is exploratory and meant for information and reflection. It cannot capture the full complexity of any individual situation, and your own experience may be different. It does not replace a diagnosis or treatment.
