When someone we love dies, the world can change in an instant. Some people feel a wave of pain, others feel numb, and many feel both at different moments of the same day. Grief can be loud or quiet, and it can arrive at unexpected times: in the supermarket, at a song on the radio, on a birthday.
This article looks at what grief can look like, why it follows no fixed timetable, and what bereaved people say helps. Every loss and every relationship is unique, so your grief may look different from what is described here.
What grief can feel like
Grief touches the whole person. Common experiences include:
- intense longing for the person who died, and sometimes a sense of their presence
- sadness, anger, guilt, relief, fear, or numbness, often in quick succession
- difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness and a sense of unreality
- tiredness, changes in sleep and appetite, aches and a weakened sense of well-being
- questions about meaning, faith or what life is for now
Many of these reactions come and go in waves. Psychiatrist Katherine Shear (2012) describes acute grief in the early period, when the loss dominates life, and a gradual move towards integrated grief, in which the loss becomes part of a person’s story and life gains space again. The love and sadness usually remain, while their weight changes.
Grief and the body
Grief is also a physical experience. Losing a partner is one of the most stressful events a person can go through, and in the first weeks and months after the loss the risk of illness rises. Researchers have linked bereavement with changes in inflammation and the immune system, and even with faster biological ageing, which may help explain this (Seiler et al., 2020). This is a good reason to be gentle with yourself, to keep basic routines where possible, and to see a doctor if physical symptoms worry you.
Movement can help some people. A systematic review of 25 studies found that activities such as walking, running, yoga and martial arts gave bereaved people a sense of freedom, a way to express emotions, a break from grief and new social contact (Williams et al., 2021). Gentle movement in the fresh air can be enough.
There is no fixed timetable
The idea that grief moves through stages in a fixed order is still widespread, but most researchers today describe grief as more uneven. People often move back and forth between facing the loss, through crying, remembering and talking about the person, and turning towards life, through work, daily tasks and moments of rest or even joy. Both movements are part of grieving. A day when you laugh does not mean you loved the person less.
Most people find their way through grief with the support of those around them. In an Australian survey of 678 bereaved people, about 58% were at low risk of long-term difficulties, around 35% at moderate risk and about 6% at high risk (Aoun et al., 2015). Many people mainly need understanding and practical help from family, friends and their community, some benefit from extra support such as a grief group, and a smaller group needs specialised help.
When grief is called a disorder
Since 2022, the World Health Organization’s classification of diseases, ICD-11, includes a diagnosis called prolonged grief disorder. It describes grief in which intense longing for the person who died, or constant preoccupation with them, together with deep emotional pain, lasts for at least six months after the loss, clearly goes beyond what is expected in the person’s social, cultural or religious context, and seriously affects daily life (World Health Organization, 2024).
This diagnosis can help people whose grief stays stuck at a very high intensity to find suitable help. It needs to be read with caution, though. Grief that is not a disorder can still be extremely painful and, for a while, debilitating: it can disrupt sleep, work, concentration and the wish to go on. Not meeting the criteria does not mean your grief is small, or that you do not deserve support. More about this in When grief stays heavy.
The bond can continue
Many bereaved people keep a relationship with the person who died. They talk to them, keep objects, visit places that mattered, or ask themselves what the person would say. This is often called a continuing bond. A German study of 364 bereaved people distinguished between two kinds: an inner bond, in which the person who died is a source of comfort and orientation, and more external experiences, such as feeling that you hear or see them (Hopf et al., 2024). Many bereaved people know both. If such experiences frighten you, or if they keep you from living your life, it can help to talk about them.
Rituals and saying goodbye
Funerals, memorials and religious or cultural rituals can give grief a place and bring people together. A review of research on funeral practices found mixed results on whether taking part in a funeral helps. What seemed to matter most was whether bereaved people were able to shape the rituals and say goodbye in a way that was meaningful to them (Burrell & Selman, 2022). This is useful to know if you could not attend a funeral, because of illness, distance or circumstances. A personal ritual later, such as lighting a candle, writing a letter or visiting a place, can still have meaning.
What helps from other people
In the Australian survey, family, friends and funeral providers were the most common sources of support, and they were also the ones least often described as unhelpful. What people valued most was closeness, reliable help, feeling part of a community and good guidance. What hurt was insensitivity, support that people had expected and that never came, unwanted advice and a lack of empathy (Aoun et al., 2018). In a study of people grieving a traumatic loss, emotional support was the kind of support people wanted most. Interestingly, pets received the highest satisfaction ratings of all sources of support (Cacciatore et al., 2021).
If you want to support someone who is grieving
Say the name of the person who died. Ask “How are you today?” rather than “How are you?”. Offer concrete help, such as cooking, shopping or picking up the children. Keep in touch after the first weeks, when most people go back to their lives. And there is no need for the perfect words. Being there counts most.
When to look for more support
Grief is a natural response to loss and does not need to be treated as an illness. Still, there are times when extra support can help: if the pain stays as intense months later as in the first weeks, if you can hardly manage daily life, if you feel that life has no meaning without the person, or if you use alcohol or other substances to get through the days. Grief counselling, groups for bereaved people and therapy can offer a space where your loss is taken seriously.
If you are in crisis or having thoughts of ending your life, please call your local emergency number (for example 112 in Europe or 911 in North America and Mexico), or find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.
You may also find When grief stays heavy: prolonged grief, sudden loss and grieving from far away and Depression: what it is, how it feels and what helps useful.
More about therapy with me.
References
- Aoun, S. M., Breen, L. J., Howting, D. A., Rumbold, B., McNamara, B., & Hegney, D. (2015). Who needs bereavement support? A population based survey of bereavement risk and support need. Plos One, 10(3), e0121101. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0121101
- Aoun, S. M., Breen, L. J., White, I., Rumbold, B., & Kellehear, A. (2018). What sources of bereavement support are perceived helpful by bereaved people and why? Empirical evidence for the compassionate communities approach. Palliative Medicine, 32(8), 1378–1388. https://doi.org/10.1177/0269216318774995
- Burrell, A., & Selman, L. E. (2022). How do funeral practices impact bereaved relatives’ mental health, grief and bereavement? A mixed methods review with implications for COVID-19. Omega, 85(2), 345–383. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222820941296
- Cacciatore, J., Thieleman, K., Fretts, R., & Jackson, L. B. (2021). What is good grief support? Exploring the actors and actions in social support after traumatic grief. Plos One, 16(5), e0252324. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0252324
- Hopf, D., Eckstein, M., Ditzen, B., & Aguilar-Raab, C. (2024). Still with me? Assessing the persisting relationship to a deceased loved-one – validation of the “Continuing bonds scale” in a German population. Omega, 89(2), 623–648. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228221076622
- Seiler, A., von Känel, R., & Slavich, G. M. (2020). The psychobiology of bereavement and health: A conceptual review from the perspective of social signal transduction theory of depression. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 11, 565239. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.565239
- Shear, M. K. (2012). Grief and mourning gone awry: pathway and course of complicated grief. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 14(2), 119–128. https://doi.org/10.31887/dcns.2012.14.2/mshear
- Williams, J., Shorter, G. W., Howlett, N., Zakrzewski-Fruer, J., & Chater, A. M. (2021). Can physical activity support grief outcomes in individuals who have been bereaved? A systematic review. Sports Medicine – Open, 7(1), 26. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40798-021-00311-z
- World Health Organization. (2024). ICD-11 for mortality and morbidity statistics: 6B42 Prolonged grief disorder. https://icd.who.int/browse/2024-01/mms/en#1183832314
This article is exploratory and meant for information and reflection. It cannot capture the full complexity of any individual situation, and your own experience may be different. It does not replace a diagnosis or treatment.
